D: There is always guilt involved in being selfish. Trying to avoid feeling guilty results in my not looking at anything associated with the guilt. Because of the remorse that I feel, I want to make up for my selfishness right away – usually at the level of form, rather than addressing the guilt in my mind. What’s going on at the unconscious level for me is that I’m trying to find a way past the rotten feelings, but without actually looking at and forgiving the guilt itself. That’s the price I pay for remaining unconscious.
“The ‘self’ that needs protection is not real.” – W-pI.135.8:1
I need to remember not to be so distressed by my guilt that I don’t look at it. If the guilt is successful at preventing me from looking, I’ll fail to notice the price that I pay and will make the same mistake tomorrow. More to the point, I’m making the mistake right now. The only effective way to correct the mistake is by allowing myself to feel the pain my guilt is causing me right now. The pain, along with the awareness that my guilt is its cause, becomes the genuine motivation to practice forgiveness, which undoes the guilt.
N: I use the feeling of overwhelm as a defense, and as a justification for not being attentive, not aware, not looking… using overwhelm for guilt production.
D: I need to feel the pain of not being available because that’s what it feels like to separate and not connect. This pain comes from the wish, the willingness – to separate, making myself and my needs more important than others. I make myself available when I think there is some ego satisfaction that I want and can get, otherwise, I just remain unavailable.
N: I can then revert to my ego patterns of defense. There is guilt in not being the person I think I should be – not having the attitude that I think I should have, being self-absorbed.
D: Wilhelm Reich talks about character armor …e.g. “that’s just the way I am. When I get impatient, don’t talk to me. That’s just the way I am”.
N: Or, “I’m too busy”.
D: That’s just another way of justifying “me first”. I do suspend my selfishness sometimes, but I hold it as my ace in the hole – anytime I decide that I want to get back to “me first” again, it’s perfectly justified by my unconscious selfishness.
N: I’ve run my whole life this way, and feel ashamed to recognize this in myself (which is yet another reason to not look!) I’m so grateful to be looking right now, and to realize that I can choose again.